


Hold On

by dizzywhiz



Series: Gemini [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: Blangst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Communication, Episode: s05e01 Love Love Love, Feelings, Fresh Fiances, M/M, References to Depression, References to anxiety, post-proposal, reaction fic, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25771033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzywhiz/pseuds/dizzywhiz
Summary: Blaine was overcome by having Kurt back in Ohio and back in his life more than he ever expected to have again, and it all built up into something he knew was crazy - a proposal. After Kurt said yes, Blaine was thrilled, but he still had doubts that he could handle it, especially knowing they were about to be long-distance again. AKA how Kurt and Blaine's first night as fiances went after the proposal.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Series: Gemini [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845607
Comments: 6
Kudos: 50





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! back with another installment of this series. blaine's proposal always felt very sudden and crazy for me, and even though it was very sweet and romantic, I've always had a lot of questions. here's my attempt to answer some of them!
> 
> [listen to the song here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9DuEbSe9m8)

Having Kurt around again was like a dream come true - a selfish dream, but a dream all the same. He shouldn’t have even _been_ in Ohio, but Blaine was endlessly happy that he was.

Part of Blaine felt guilty for the fact that he _was_ happy to have Kurt there, guilty for the utter relief that washed over him as he woke up each morning knowing Kurt was just a short drive away, guilty for feeling at _home_ in his life, in his body, in the _world_ for the first time in months.

Kurt was in Ohio for his dad. He was there for Burt, because of _course_ he was, because his dad had _cancer,_ had gone through treatment and was awaiting his fateful test results.

It was hard, and Kurt was so _strong,_ holding on for impossibly longer than anyone should have to, just like he had always done through everything life threw at him. Blaine used to wonder if there _was_ a limit, a breaking point of how strong Kurt could _be,_ how long he could last before falling apart, or if he could be resilient through anything at all. 

And then Blaine cheated, and he pushed Kurt right up to the edge himself.

By some miracle, though, it _hadn’t_ been their breaking point, - they were overcoming it, and they were making progress _together -_ but no matter how far he and Kurt moved past it, Blaine knew he would never truly forgive himself.

But even though it hadn’t broken Kurt, hadn’t broken _them,_ Blaine was beginning to see the cracks in his armor. 

The only way to know Kurt was actually struggling with it was to know him inside and out, and Blaine _did,_ even after everything. He saw Kurt’s counting, his sorting, his organizing, tiny little inconsequential quirks that only Blaine noticed, that Blaine knew demonstrated Kurt’s need for control and certainty and predictability over _something._

And so Blaine tried to _be_ that, to be _more_ than the sugar packets and the nose touching and the lucky colors, and he was incredibly happy to do it, despite the circumstances. He _wanted_ to be the steady, steadfast presence alongside Kurt, to hold his hand and reassure him and sing to him and to just _be there_ in the meantime. 

He wanted to be whatever Kurt needed him to be - it was the least he could do.

But then Burt’s test results came back negative, and Blaine felt as relieved as he would have if it were his own father.

And then, somehow, he didn’t feel so guilty for enjoying having Kurt around anymore.

In fact, having Kurt around - spending time together at McKinley, at the Lima Bean, even at the Hummels’ place - felt _easy,_ just like old times, like the old days, back before everything got complicated.

Somehow, it was just like before Blaine had fucked it all up.

And, in a way, he knew he had earned back Kurt’s trust. Kurt hadn’t spelled it out in so many words, but Blaine could _feel_ it, deep in his bones, in the way Kurt looked at him and in the way Kurt held his hand, in the way Kurt smiled at him and let him in.

It felt like Blaine had achieved the impossible, and he was practically drunk on the feeling of things being so _good_ again, of Kurt being there and of Burt being healthy and of _all of it._

His heart swelled impossibly larger in his chest with every passing day spent with Kurt, coming to beat a constant, steady rhythm of _propose, propose, propose._

It was crazy.

Everyone was telling him it was crazy - even _Tina._

And he knew it was crazy, he did.

But maybe, just _maybe,_ it would work.

As soon as he got the idea, it was like things were moving in fast motion. There was ring shopping, and there was Regionals and Burt telling him he was insane and rushing and too young, and maybe he was right, but Blaine had to _try._

Once that ring was in his pocket, his mind was made up.

He almost popped the question right there in the hallway at school, having pulled Kurt aside, but looking into Kurt’s eyes, so open and patient and _curious,_ the words fell dead in Blaine’s mouth.

After all they had been through, after all Blaine had done, Kurt deserved a grand gesture.

So Blaine gave him one.

And for once in his life, something that Blaine planned so meticulously _worked_ exactly how it was supposed to.

It was _perfect._

Not only was Kurt _his_ again, but Kurt was his _fiance,_ his soon-to-be _-husband,_ to have and to hold and to love _fearlessly and forever._

Blaine knew acutely in that moment that he had never been so happy before.

He knew, too, logically, that getting engaged wasn’t a magic fix for all of their problems, that the ring wasn’t a band-aid to slip over Kurt’s finger and stitch up all of his wounds. But it was _something,_ something _big, so_ big, in fact, that he had never thought he could actually have it.

It was _progress,_ big and powerful and _important_ progress beyond anything they had been before, a monumental rush of it all at once _._

And although Blaine had concerns in the back of his mind, and although they had been through so much and would inevitably go through so much more, they would be going through it all _together_ if things went according to plan, so Blaine let himself revel in the happiness, the giddy excitement of being a _fiance._

The ring wasn’t a band-aid, but it was a _promise,_ and it made everything else feel a little bit easier.

They spent the evening after their proposal celebrating at the Hummel-Hudson house, and it felt like Blaine was _home._

Things with Burt were still tentative, considering Blaine had listened to his advice about proposing and gone directly against it - he knew Burt was skeptical, and he had every right to be. But at the same time, Blaine wasn’t worried about it. He _had_ roped Burt into his plans, and Burt had been willing enough, and afterwards, he was happy and smiling and hugging them just like everyone else.

 _Proving_ to Burt that he had done the right thing was a mission Blaine was determined to complete, and he had a feeling he would, in time.

Blaine was practically vibrating with an adrenaline-rushed happiness that was slowly beginning to settle in his veins, ever-presently thrumming as he sat at the dinner table, hand holding Kurt’s in his lap. They were eating an extensive-yet-healthy celebratory meal Carole had made, delicious as always, but Blaine barely tasted it. 

He would have eaten dirt if it meant he could sit next to Kurt, chairs scooted as close together as they could get, holding Kurt’s hand and rubbing his thumb over the cool metal of his engagement ring, exchanging meaningful glances and soft smiles all the while. 

“Are you okay?” Kurt wanted to know at one point, leaning over to murmur in his ear quietly enough so no one else would hear. Blaine barely managed to suppress a shiver, feeling his nerve endings heightened and his body just entirely attuned to Kurt in a way it never had been before - at least not so _strongly._ “You’re not eating very much.”

“I just love you,” Blaine breathed out, glancing over at Kurt to find his eyes sparkling, a private little smile playing on his lips.

“Stay over tonight?” Kurt asked, giving Blaine’s hand a gentle squeeze and lightly nudging their shoulders together. 

Somehow, the question was even better than Kurt saying _I love you_ in return.

“Oh, Blaine, we insist. You’re family now- officially, I mean,” Carole cut in, voice warm and _motherly,_ and Blaine had forgotten anyone else was even there. He ducked his head, letting out an embarrassed laugh before looking back up, smiling at her.

“I would really like that.”

He and Kurt had only spent a handful of nights together over the course of their relationship - bound by curfews, living with parents, and the like. Even the nights Blaine spent in New York weren’t exactly _normal,_ one being the worst night of his life, the others part of a holiday trip with Burt. 

The night of Mr. Schuester’s failed wedding was the one of the _only_ they had spent together truly and completely alone, all things considered.

And Blaine knew, too, that this night would be more family-oriented than anything else, that he and Kurt wouldn’t have much privacy, but he was too happy, too pleased, feeling too _included_ to mind.

Even still, just a few hours after getting engaged, the itch of _being_ together began to nag under Blaine’s skin - the idea of falling asleep together, waking up together, taking their time during sex instead of fooling around during stolen moments or scheduling time when they knew they would have his or Kurt’s house to themselves, even simply just _cohabitating_ in a home that they shared.

He was ready to start the rest of their lives, - he was _aching_ for it - but they still had to wait for it. 

Being engaged didn’t change the fact that Kurt lived in New York and Blaine still didn’t. It didn’t change the fact that they had to go back to a long distance relationship, and it didn’t change the fact that Blaine still had a semester left of high school with no guarantee of his plans afterwards.

He still had to graduate, and he still had to audition for NYADA, and he still needed to get _in,_ and then, after all of _that,_ they could finally start the rest of their lives.

It was a lot.

There was a _lot_ between them and their future, and a lot of it was scary and unknown and none of it was guaranteed. 

Blaine just hoped they would be able to handle it - especially being far apart a second time. 

But he had told Kurt he would never, _ever_ cheat on him again, and he meant it. He _knew_ he could keep that promise.

Paired with the promise the ring represented, it was enough to ease Blaine’s mind for the time being, to allow himself to celebrate and enjoy being with Kurt’s - no, _their -_ family. Carole whipped up an angel food cake with cream and strawberries, and they all drank decaf coffee in the living room and chatted and reminisced and laughed.

They cringed as Burt told the story of walking in on the two of them making out more than one afternoon, and they swapped silly stories about one another, and they cooed over their old prom pictures when Carole pulled out a photo album, and Blaine was tucked up against Kurt through all of it.

It was easy, and it was simple, and it was _perfect._

Blaine had never thought he would have anything like that again.

It wasn’t until he was laying in bed that night, wrapped around his _fiance_ in Kurt’s childhood bedroom that Blaine began to come back down to earth, that reality began to set in, that he became unable to suppress the same questions and uncertainties that were working themselves into the forefront of his mind.

Things were fine now, _better_ than fine, but Kurt was about to go back to New York. What if Blaine started feeling lonely and lost and desperate and scared again? What if his fears and insecurities and misguided beliefs took over again despite the promises he had made, despite the ring on Kurt’s finger?

What if they couldn’t handle a few more months of long distance, considering they had barely made it a few weeks the first time?

What if Blaine didn’t make it into NYADA? What if he wasn’t cut out for performing, period? 

What if they _were_ too young, too crazy, moving too quickly, too unprepared?

“You’re thinking too loud,” Kurt sleepily mumbled into his curls, shaking Blaine from his thoughts. 

“I didn’t realize you were awake,” Blaine admitted sheepishly, slipping his hand underneath Kurt’s shirt and sliding it across his belly, up his side in small, repetitive motions, the way he knew Kurt always liked. “I’m sorry.”

Kurt just hummed in response, clearly more asleep than awake, though his arms tightened around Blaine. He was quiet for a long moment - so long, in fact, that Blaine had assumed he _had_ fallen asleep, but then he spoke.

“We really didn’t spend any time together today, just the two of us, huh?” 

His voice was soft, sleep-heavy and intimate in a way that warmed Blaine down to his toes, already easing his worrying mind.

“Not really,” he agreed, tilting his head up into the crook of Kurt’s neck and just breathing him in, allowing the familiar mix of warm vanilla and clean lavender and smooth coconut and _Kurt_ to soothe him the way it always did, but it wasn’t working - not quite the way he needed it to.

“Guess we’ve got forever for that now,” Kurt mused, and Blaine’s stomach flipped in a mix of giddiness but of nerves, too, anxiety and uncertainty that bubbled up through his chest.

 _Forever_ had never felt so achievable, but it had never felt so fragile, either.

Blaine hesitated for a moment, but part of him wondered if Kurt had the same doubts, the same questions, underneath all of his strength and confidence.

He wasn’t sure if he _wanted_ Kurt to share those fears, but he needed to know either way.

“Do you think we’ll be okay?” Blaine finally asked quietly, trying to focus on the way Kurt was rubbing his back in slow, lazy circles. “Do you, um. Do you think we’ll make it this time?”

He immediately regretted the question as Kurt’s hand stilled, as Kurt began pulling back, and he opened his mouth to apologize, to explain himself, when suddenly Kurt was _there,_ kissing him slowly and sweetly, full of all the love Blaine hadn’t realized he needed to be reminded of, even after the entire proposal.

Grand gestures were exciting - Blaine loved them, and he felt Kurt deserved them - but _this_ was what he needed.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Kurt murmured as they broke apart, but he stayed close, leaning his forehead against Blaine’s and brushing their noses together. The room was dark, and Blaine’s eyes were closed, but he felt Kurt’s gaze, knew Kurt was _seeing_ him, whether he was literally visible or not. It made his honesty refreshing instead of scary, and he felt anchored in reality, anchored in _them._

“I think we owe it to ourselves to try, though,” Kurt continued. “I-I told my dad this earlier, but...you make me feel so safe, Blaine. You make me feel _loved,_ and I don’t think it’s a love I could find in anyone else. I know a lot has happened, but...I-I don’t _want_ to ever have to even _think_ about finding it in anyone else.”

“You won’t have to,” Blaine breathed, finding Kurt’s mouth again in the darkness and kissing him deeply, pouring in all the passion and feelings that were threatening to burst out of his chest. It was a strange mix of too much and not enough all at once, twisting uncomfortably inside of him, and he pulled back in favor of hugging Kurt close, _closer,_ never close enough. 

“I _swear,_ baby, I won’t screw this up again,” he said shakily, cursing the tears quickly welling up in his eyes, suddenly overcome by _all_ of it, the thoughts and fears running through his mind, the feeling of having Kurt _back,_ the love they had for one another. ”I will _never_ hurt you. E-Even when you’re back in New York and you’re busy and you can't answer your phone, I-I won’t let anything happen, I couldn’t even _think_ about it, I-”

“Hey, hey, I know,” Kurt interjected, voice insistent but gentle, hand coming to tilt Blaine’s chin up, shifting enough to lean their foreheads together again - as close as they could get to looking at one another. “We’re going to be okay this time. We- We know what it takes now, okay? There’s only a couple months left, and we’ve just gotta hold on, honey. We’ve just gotta hold on.”

Blaine nodded shakily, hand coming up to find Kurt’s jaw and cupping it, thumb brushing across his cheekbone as he listened to Kurt, _really_ listened. He let the words ground him and calm him, because Kurt was right - of course he was. They were about to go back to the same day-to-day routine, sure, two very separate daily experiences, but _they_ were different now, and they were armed with the knowledge of past mistakes and the promise of something _better._

He knew Kurt was reassuring himself just as much, but Kurt _had_ that innate strength and self-assured security that Blaine just _didn’t,_ as hard as he tried. 

Blaine felt like he would always still be fighting his same demons no matter how _good_ things were, and he was tired of it. He was tired of the nights where he could barely breathe, tired of being overtaken by his mind at a moment’s notice, tired of lying awake and wondering and doubting and questioning and _blaming_ himself for anything and everything that had ever gone wrong.

He was tired of being so reliant on Kurt physically being there to hold him together, especially when it so often seemed like it was much easier for Kurt to survive on his own.

But despite his seemingly endless fears, Blaine felt deep in his gut that something had shifted, that something had changed. He _felt_ that Kurt needed him, too, in his own way, regardless of how subtle it was in comparison to how desperate Blaine sometimes felt. 

The proposal was crazy, and it was big and bold, but Kurt had still said _yes._

Kurt was willing to take the jump, to venture into uncharted territory because he _trusted_ Blaine, because somehow Blaine made him feel safe and loved, even after everything.

Blaine knew he had to trust himself, too, he had to trust _them,_ and they would get through the next few months until they _could_ begin building a life together.

In the grand scheme of things, they were so _close_ to it - so close to sharing a home and a bed and a _future_.

He just needed to hold on.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, let me know what you think, and be sure to check out the other works in this series for more if you liked this one! there will be 12 works in all when complete.


End file.
